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18 May 2012

In honor of mother's day
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cleaning out the archives, I found this (which looks like it was originally in my inbox) just a few days late...

So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there sits Eli. Applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's...rear end. Eli looks right into my eyes and says "chapped."
Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little rear ends do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's rear.
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14 May 2012

Because Star Wars humor is sometimes funny
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Why is Darth Vader so lonely and sad?

Because he keeps looking for love in Alderaan places.

(h/t: Interweb)
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8 Mar 2012

Because reptile/fashion humor is sometimes funny
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.
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24 Feb 2012

Sung to the tune of Oops I did it again...
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(from my inbox)

To Err is Human; To Forgive, Divine.
To err is human; to purr, feline.
To err is human; two curs, canine.
To err is human; to do nothing, benign.
To err is human; to quit, resign.
To err is human; to howl, lupine.
To err is human; to solve, design.
To err is human; to fart, asinine.
To err is human; to moo, bovine.
To err is human; to soothe, calomine.
To err is human; to pretend, pantomime.
To err is human; to bloom, columbine.
To err is human; to prance, equine.
To err is human; to add, combine.
To err is human; to befriend, pal o' mine.
To err is human; to woo, Valentine.
To err is human; to horrify, Frankenstein.
To err is human; to straighten, align.
To err is human; to drown, Clementine.
To err is human; to twist, serpentine.
To err is human; to love, sublime.
To err is human; to cut in, go back in line!
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20 Feb 2012

punday
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From my ancient archives...
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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20 Feb 2012

punday
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From my ancient archives...Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
- 1. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
  2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
  3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  4. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
  8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
  9. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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4 Feb 2012

Things I Wikipedia: The History of Toilet Paper
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The #2-most thing I'm interested in today.

The history of toilet paper

Because sometimes I'm curious.
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3 Jan 2012

Quitters never win, winners never quit...
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but those who never win and never quit are idiots.

- Internet wisdom
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2 Jan 2012

There's no 'I' in team
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But there are four of them in 'platitude quoting idiot.'

- Internet wisdom
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19 Nov 2011

Because element humor is sometimes funny...
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What do you do with all the bad chemistry jokes?

Barium.
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