Why is Darth Vader so lonely and sad?

Because he keeps looking for love in Alderaan places.

(h/t: Interweb)

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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

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(from my inbox)

To Err is Human; To Forgive, Divine.

  To err is human; to purr, feline.
  To err is human; two curs, canine.
  To err is human; to do nothing, benign.
  To err is human; to quit, resign.
  To err is human; to howl, lupine.
  To err is human; to solve, design.
  To err is human; to fart, asinine.
  To err is human; to moo, bovine.
  To err is human; to soothe, calomine.
  To err is human; to pretend, pantomime.
  To err is human; to bloom, columbine.
  To err is human; to prance, equine.
  To err is human; to add, combine.
  To err is human; to befriend, pal o' mine.
  To err is human; to woo, Valentine.
  To err is human; to horrify, Frankenstein.
  To err is human; to straighten, align.
  To err is human; to drown, Clementine.
  To err is human; to twist, serpentine.
  To err is human; to love, sublime.
  To err is human; to cut in, go back in line!

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From my ancient archives...

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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From my ancient archives...Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

•  
  1. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
  2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
  3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  4. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
  8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
  9. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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The #2-most thing I'm interested in today.

The history of toilet paper

Because sometimes I'm curious.

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but those who never win and never quit are idiots.

 - Internet wisdom

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But there are four of them in 'platitude quoting idiot.'

 - Internet wisdom

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What do you do with all the bad chemistry jokes?

Barium.

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Even though the Broncos are horrible, it's always the right time to make jokes about the Raiders:

Jack A 10 year old boy from Denver, CO, moved to Oakland, CA, with his parents.

On his first day of school, the teacher asked who in the class were Raiders fans and if they were excited to see them play the Broncos that upcoming week on Television.

Every one raised their hands except Jack.

The teacher asked, "Jack why didnt you raise your hand?"

Jack answered, "Because I'm a Broncos fan." The teacher asked "Why on earth would you
like the Broncos?"

"Well, my dad is a Broncos fan and my Mom is a Broncos fan so that makes me a Broncos fan," Jack replied.

The teacher then asked Jack, "Well, if your dad was a moron and your mom an idiot what would that make you?"

Jack replied, "Well, I do believe that would make me a Raider fan!"

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A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out,

"Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

Was ever a rimshot ever more appropriate than here, now?

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• Dollar Bills
• Full-size candy bars
• Apples (iPod, iPad, etc)
• Gift Cards
• T-Bills
• Movie Tickets
• Flat Screen HDTV
• Brio's Lobster Bisque

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• Raisins/Craisins/Apples/Oranges
• Cinnamon or Mint toothpicks
• Mini-Toothbrush & floss
• Mary Janes
• Black Licorice
• Candy Corn
• Brachs hard candy
• Necco wafers
• Business Cards
• Pennies
• Shoe Polish/hotel shampoo/shower cap
• Matchbook
• Rubber spider
• Wax lips
• Kitten

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1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year- old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch "on" ; or just paintover it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

(from the archives)

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The new young monk is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the order by hand. He notices that they are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. 

So, the new monk goes to the Abbot to ask him about it, pointing out that if a monk made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up, and would be continued in all future copies. 

The Abbot replies, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." 

So, the Abbot goes down into the caverns under the monastery where the original manuscript has been in a locked vault, unopened for hundreds of years. 

Hours go by, and nobody sees the old Abbot. The young monk gets worried and goes down to find him. He finally finds him banging his head against the floor. His forehead is bloody and bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably. 

The young monk asks, "What's wrong, father?" In a choking voice, the old man replies, "The word is celebrate." 

(from the archives)

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How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too.

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• Dr. Pepper
• Dr. Phil
• Dr. Laura
• Dr. Doctor
• Dr. Dre
• Dr. Love
• Dr. Feelgood
• Dr. Who
• Dr. Evil
• Dr. Octopus
• Dr. Demento
• Dr. Seuss
• Dr. "J" Julius Erving
• Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman
• Doogie Howser, M.D.
• Dr. Adam Bricker
• Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy

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(from the archives)

A guys calls his girlfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I just can't figure out how to get it started."

His girlfriend asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The guy says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

His girlfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. He lets her in and shows her where he has the puzzle spread all over the table. She studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to him and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

She held his hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then..." she sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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Storage Wars

This is why Wikipedia is awesome. Not only does it give me the back story on Barry Weiss (which is what prompted the search), it also gives a breakdown of the episode-by-episode earnings of each character, their total profit, and total profit-per-dollar spent.

Yuuuuup.

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