b-posterous

sometimes I'm the only one laughing.

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      24 Feb 2011

      Pathetically...this really happened

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      From my archives (2003)

      Late afternoon, yesterday, it was time to call Kelli at the end of a very long day. I picked up my office phone and dialed.

      While I was waiting for her to pick up, my cell phone began ringing from the other side of the desk.

      I got up, in case it was Kelli, calling me. On the third ring, I answered my cell phone. Simultaneously, Kelli answered my call to her.

      "Hello...." I said into the office phone, a little curious about her delay in answering.

      Simultaneously, a man spoke to me from Kelli's cellphone. "Hello?"

      "Who is this?" I asked, suddenly suspicious/worried.

      Simultaneously, the person on my cell phone became very rude.

      "Who is this?" he said.

      "Bry..."

      Yes....this is when I realized that I had misdialed and was having an angry conversation...with myself.

      So after a lengthy apology, I hung up and re-dialed.

       

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      27 Nov 2010

      What is said, what is meant (men's edition)

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      FINE
      Whatever you want to do is okay with him. 

      FIVE MINUTES
      120 seconds.  Unless its during a game...and then you're subject to the rules of the game, the need for replays, and the importance of commercials to be watched or skipped.

      NOTHING
      This means the absence of "something."

      GO AHEAD

      This means, "Proceed as intended."

      LOUD SIGH
      This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often easily by women. A "Loud Sigh" means a man wants attention.

      SOFT SIGH
      Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" also means that a man wants attention. Or he has resigned himself to not getting the attention he seeks.

      THAT'S OKAY
      This means he is content with whatever just happened.

      PLEASE DO
      This is not a statement, it is an offer. A man rarely extends this offer, and usually only when he is 100% smugly certain that the woman will err in her actions.

      THANKS
      A man is thanking you. Just say you're welcome.

      THANKS A LOT
      A man is thanking you.  Extra.

      DUDE
      This word has a hundred different meanings, ranging from positive to negative, from inquiry to exclamation. Context determines meaning, dude.

       

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      27 Nov 2010

      What is said, what is meant (women's edition)

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      A key for men to understand the words that women* use:


      FINE
      This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

      FIVE MINUTES
      This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. This time conversion is somewhat equivalent to the first layer of dreaming as referenced in Inception. Questioning a woman during these five minutes if she's ready yet results in going down to level 2...and if you have seen the movie, you know what that means for the wait you now have ahead of you.

      NOTHING
      This means "something," and you are on alert. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. When "Nothing" is wrong, it usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."

      GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
      This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

      GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
      This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

      LOUD SIGH
      This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

      SOFT SIGH
      Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is keep doing what you are doing, or not doing (as the case may be).

      THAT'S OKAY
      This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

      PLEASE DO
      This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

      THANKS
      A woman is thanking you. Just say you're welcome.

      THANKS A LOT
      This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

       

      * By "women," I mean "some women," or maybe only "a few women," but certainly not you as a woman. Okay...I'm wrong. I'm sorry. 

       

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      15 Oct 2010

      Even Sam Walton would laugh at this

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      A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat.

      She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.

      He replied calmly, "Get the cat, and the tail, and we'll take them to Wal-Mart."

      She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked.

      "Well," he replied, "they're the world's largest retailer."

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      11 Oct 2010

      Interoffice Communication: A Primer

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      Also known as “small talk,” “chit chat,” or even “shootin’ the breeze,” interpersonal office communication (henceforth IOC)  is a rigid, uncompromising system of verbal exchange that can either firmly establish an employee as “one of the group” or forever ostracize him or her from workplace social acceptance.The skills of IOC are a finely honed, time-developed system of linguistic practice that may on the surface appear to be easily mastered, yet may actually require years of trial and error to adequately utilize. 

As such, there are a few rules to remember when beginning the usage of IOC. If necessary, take notes, write these rules on on an index card and don’t be afraid to refer to said card as often as necessary.

      Rule One — The “Good Morning” Rule: When entering the workplace, prepare to greet every other employee you encounter with, “Good morning.” Be sure to say it with a smile on your face that conveys the message that you are glad to be there; so glad, in fact, that you CHOSE to be there, and that you couldn’t imagine choosing to be anywhere else in the world beside your cubicle alongside people you never see in the outside world.

      Important: You are not allowed to use any other introductory statement when greeting someone for the first time, because you risk being labeled overly peppy or “so rude you didn’t even say ‘good morning.’” Some people attempt to shorten the greeting by just saying, “morning,” “mornin’” or even just “uggh” but such people are often labeled lazy or caffiene-addicted.

      The proper response to a “good morning” greeting is, of course, “good morning.” Not “hi,” not “hello,” “howdy” or “How are you? (see Rule #5)” You may only reply “good morning.”

      Rule Two — The “Good Afternoon” Rule: This is an equally important rule, as it also governs introductory IOC. It follows all the dictates of rule one, save that it only comes into effect at 12:01 PM of the time zone in which you are currently working. If you fail to progress to rule 2 and instead attempt to utilize rule 1 after 12:01 PM, you will quickly be labeled an imbecile who cannot tell time. Unlike rule 1, however, the protocol for rule 2 is much less rigid, with certain casual synonyms being commonly held as acceptable. “Afternoon” is the most typical of these alternatives, along with non-time sensitive greetings like “Hi,” “Hey there,” and “Howdy” (see rule #6).

      Furthermore, acceptable rejoinders include the original greeting returned verbatim, as well as any of the aforementioned alternatives. Unacceptable replies include “Good morning,” “shut up,” and “buzz off.”

      Read the rest of this post »

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    Erudite gentleman-about-town. With 100% more Jesus since 1992.

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