b-posterous

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15 Feb 2011

Bad things to hear as your anesthesia starts working...
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(from the archives)
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop.
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie.
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Darn, there go the lights again...
- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
- Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right? I call 'Five-Second Rule!"
- Nurse, after you're done cutting my Sandwich, how about letting me use the scalpel?
- And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
- Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
- Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
- What do you mean you want a divorce!
- She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
- Dang! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
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19 Oct 2010

ATM procedures
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The bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet ! and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check register a nd place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand-bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
24. Redial person on cell phone.
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26. Release Parking Brake.

This is a repost from a long-ago post from my friend Melissa Williams.
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15 Sep 2010

Writer endorsement or stop, drop, and roll?
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This is literally true.
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18 Aug 2010

Other people's pictures 1
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From the Web...
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17 Aug 2010

Rules for choosing a super-hero name
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Old, but I still laugh
1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady if you're a man -- even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
12. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.
13. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume.You'll confuse people.
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