Why is Darth Vader so lonely and sad?
Because he keeps looking for love in Alderaan places.
(h/t: Interweb)
sometimes I'm the only one laughing.
Even though the Broncos are horrible, it's always the right time to make jokes about the Raiders:
Jack A 10 year old boy from Denver, CO, moved to Oakland, CA, with his parents.
On his first day of school, the teacher asked who in the class were Raiders fans and if they were excited to see them play the Broncos that upcoming week on Television.
Every one raised their hands except Jack.
The teacher asked, "Jack why didnt you raise your hand?"
Jack answered, "Because I'm a Broncos fan." The teacher asked "Why on earth would you
like the Broncos?"
"Well, my dad is a Broncos fan and my Mom is a Broncos fan so that makes me a Broncos fan," Jack replied.
The teacher then asked Jack, "Well, if your dad was a moron and your mom an idiot what would that make you?"
Jack replied, "Well, I do believe that would make me a Raider fan!"
A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.
Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."
The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out,
"Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"
Was ever a rimshot ever more appropriate than here, now?
The new young monk is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the order by hand. He notices that they are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Abbot to ask him about it, pointing out that if a monk made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up, and would be continued in all future copies. The Abbot replies, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, the Abbot goes down into the caverns under the monastery where the original manuscript has been in a locked vault, unopened for hundreds of years. Hours go by, and nobody sees the old Abbot. The young monk gets worried and goes down to find him. He finally finds him banging his head against the floor. His forehead is bloody and bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks, "What's wrong, father?" In a choking voice, the old man replies, "The word is celebrate."
(from the archives)
(from my archives, appreciated on so many levels) One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "DENVER BRONCOS."
(from the archives)
A guys calls his girlfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I just can't figure out how to get it started."
His girlfriend asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The guy says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
His girlfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. He lets her in and shows her where he has the puzzle spread all over the table. She studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to him and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
She held his hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then..." she sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. They sit down and the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" the waitress asks.
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
"That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just have to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies with a slight frown, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
