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27 Nov 2010

What is said, what is meant (men's edition)
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FINE
Whatever you want to do is okay with him.

FIVE MINUTES
120 seconds. Unless its during a game...and then you're subject to the rules of the game, the need for replays, and the importance of commercials to be watched or skipped.

NOTHING
This means the absence of "something."

GO AHEAD

This means, "Proceed as intended."

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often easily by women. A "Loud Sigh" means a man wants attention.

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" also means that a man wants attention. Or he has resigned himself to not getting the attention he seeks.

THAT'S OKAY
This means he is content with whatever just happened.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A man rarely extends this offer, and usually only when he is 100% smugly certain that the woman will err in her actions.

THANKS
A man is thanking you. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
A man is thanking you. Extra.

DUDE
This word has a hundred different meanings, ranging from positive to negative, from inquiry to exclamation. Context determines meaning, dude.
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27 Nov 2010

What is said, what is meant (women's edition)
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A key for men to understand the words that women* use:

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. This time conversion is somewhat equivalent to the first layer of dreaming as referenced in Inception. Questioning a woman during these five minutes if she's ready yet results in going down to level 2...and if you have seen the movie, you know what that means for the wait you now have ahead of you.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you are on alert. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. When "Nothing" is wrong, it usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine."

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is keep doing what you are doing, or not doing (as the case may be).
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

* By "women," I mean "some women," or maybe only "a few women," but certainly not you as a woman. Okay...I'm wrong. I'm sorry.
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19 Oct 2010

ATM procedures
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The bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet ! and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check register a nd place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand-bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
24. Redial person on cell phone.
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26. Release Parking Brake.

This is a repost from a long-ago post from my friend Melissa Williams.
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b-posterous

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27 Nov 2010

What is said, what is meant (men's edition)

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27 Nov 2010

What is said, what is meant (women's edition)

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19 Oct 2010

ATM procedures

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